Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
