Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
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it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
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I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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