HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
