Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
