got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
