I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.