I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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