Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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