I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
