Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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