I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
