You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
