I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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