2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
