I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
