Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
why is half of my head shaved?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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