Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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