you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
