Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
