He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
