Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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