Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
