I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
