I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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