i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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