I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
