fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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