I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
