He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
