Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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