I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
