I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
