some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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