nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
