How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
