Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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