Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
