You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
