i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
