honey bunches of taint.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
did i just pee glitter
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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