he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
