I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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