he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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