got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
