There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
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And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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