took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize