I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
