How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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