Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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