i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
