i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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