well you can't waste a boner
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
