I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
