I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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