its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
