'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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