I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
