I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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