just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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