Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
